I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I AM VODKA MAN
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
