I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
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