I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
