before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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