Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
