it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...