"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
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sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
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idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.