I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
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He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
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She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.