I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
