i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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