You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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