I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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