Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
