Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
