tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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