i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
