I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
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I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
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I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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