the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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