Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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