She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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