apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
