from now on my penis is your penis
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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