I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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