Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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