Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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