A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
