he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
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She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
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Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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