fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
pray to the hookup gods
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
