There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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