i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Semen is not good for contacts.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
