I am in a vortex of obligation.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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