im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
