Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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