Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
