do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
