I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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