Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
You've changed since you got that strap on
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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