1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Randomize