I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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