you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
