I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
