it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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