I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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