Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
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All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
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See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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