chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
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