I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
So many bounce houses so little time
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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