If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
