just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
