Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize