Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
