hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
