Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
