Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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