The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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