No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
We had sex on a dog bed..
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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